Its these wee hours of the morning that restlessness finds me.
Everything slows down. Everything gets quiet. Everything is at a point of Rest.
Except myself. Except this mind. Except this pain.
I control my agenda. I control my agenda like i control food. I control food like i control my sleep. I control my sleep like i once 'controlled' my drug. none of which is control at all, just a false sense of security in some twisted up reality that is in no way real.
gathered thoughts can not flow tonight, and creativity is frozen
until it thaws, i have only words.
.love.gratitude.intrigued.joy.friendship.truth.guilt.vulnerable.free.
crippling.fear.anger?no.confusion.sick.avoid.detach.control.relief?
thankful.loved.process.dont.hide.dont.run.fall.into.grace.love.
on a completely separate note:
i miss my friend. Its all so selfish really, of me. The reasons i want her here...
selfish or not - i still cant wrap my head around death and forward motion for those left here.
The 'whys' are still none of my business... so i'll stop asking why.
But, god.. i miss her tonight...
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