"looking back i know you had to see me through."

"..looking back, i see the lead of Love."

While in Pa this week i was rummaging through my things - choosing what stays and what goes.
Boxes and boxes of papers and books and random knick knacks..
During my purge of junk, i found an old notebook and dared to peruse its contents.
As i read, i kept thinking that i could hardly recognize the person who penned the words...
i kept thinking i was reading words someone else wrote..
and thinking.. how sad and dark and hopeless that person seems.
Then. I snap back into the reality that I am the one who wrote those words.
I wanted to slam that book as fast as i could and burn it at my first chance.
No One. can know those thoughts.
but then. i remembered.
Secrets keep us sick.
and i dont have secrets anymore.
and the author of those words has died.
At this point - The deeper reality took hold in my heart.
I had wrestled, prayed, and pleaded with God for years.
For years I had cried out.
and for years, He heard me.
The answers never come the way we think they should.
and rarely do they come in the timing we expect.
but they do come.


March 10, 2006

BREAK ME, GOD.
Please.
I can't feel empty like this anymore.
Help Me.

Life without you is empty and meaningless...
I can't keep on like this.
So Please...
Either
BREAK ME.
or
TAKE ME.

...He heard me.
and He answered.