Freedom

.Freedom.
as defined in my life continues to take on different forms and identifying factors.

3 years ago - i thought freedom was in the hiding.
that it was being able to do whatever i wanted/needed to do without care
of life or death.
of myself or anyone else.
["needed" being an operative word as i found shortly there-after]
When there was no other option -
when sickness set in and through clouded eyes i somehow realized
the power of choice had left.
That is when i felt the chains [which had always been there]
shattering my mind, demolishing my body, violently tearing at my soul...

It was then i found a new freedom - Complete Surrender
There has never been a more grace-filled moment in my life than this.
...to feel Him within my war-torn body
.physically.. mentally.. emotionally.. spiritually.
...to Know, without doubt that His presence was calming every fiber of my being.
...to know that i was not forgotten in my blatant rebellion
by the Only One who could recover this broken child.

As it happens from time to time,
I became drawn to the filth and discomfort of the shackles i once knew.
I picked the rusted disjointed chains from off the floor
where they fell when He had cut them off years before
and carefully put them back on - Craving the illusion of "freedom" in pain
and disillusioning myself into truly believing that I had the control.
the path of self-imposed crisis is never as beautiful as it seems in the beginning.
what starts as an adventurous walk
amongst an ocean of green strewn with columbine
has now become reminiscent of what it might be to tread on broken glass.
the ceiling of security - which seemed like containment in the moment
[.being under The Protection.]
was opened up to reveal a hallucination of endless possibilities.
only now, the reality of it is more like a deep, darkened cave
its only purpose: to entice me deeper into exploration
diluting the possibilities of what Hope can offer.
and at the moment, in my delusion - this felt much like freedom

This week - i've stumbled across a new freedom.
Found nestled in the web of deceit i had woven.
torn down, yet again by the weight
of those chains once promising relief,
a choice was to be made.
to continue to trudge alone in my own way
or to open the door to the
possible pain that vulnerability often allows in.

The dark is only comfortable for a short while.
beyond such a time,
the air thins and all at once I realize
Alone, i die.
Although fear sits on my shoulder screaming in whispers
that i will regret the decision made,
I know that a new freedom has been found
in attempts to connect...
in a feeble attempt at honesty.
First, with my God.
and second, the sojourners to my left and right.