under pressure

Alright.
here's the low down...
39 days.
that would be how long i lasted under pressure. pathetic, for sure.
Everything is so complex - and where in my mind did it come in that adding a substance would assist in untangling this crazy life? Thats not even close to logical.
I'm so overloaded at work -- we are already short staffed in every room... but within the next month i will be the only one that knows what they are doing with my 10 guys. In a way, its good - because I can train the (3) new people how to work with them - but on the opposite end, im Training people... so i have to be giving them adequate attention along with my daily responsibilities of my guys. enough rambling of work.
I guess the thing is, i just got so overloaded. I go to meetings - but probably not as many as i should be... i have a sponsor - but i have some issue with the damn phone. I hate it. I hate calling. I called her on friday anyway - cause things weren't looking too good and we talked. At that point i was like, ok - i dont want this. I had already picked up - but i just decided that i had gone this long -- i can keep on. Mom and i got to talking a bit later and the discussion got somewhat emotional... not bad at all, just ... real. and hard. and what was my reaction?
Panic. sheer terror at the tears and the gut wrenching pain... and in the moment, i knew one way to fix it. ...so now... life is even more complicated because even though i was warned... i missed it.
you have a choice - until you use.
i fought with them about it tooth and nail -- its a choice, i just make stupid choices.. and they say -- yes - but then what? after the initial choice, the disease takes over.
I didnt get it -- til now.
..because no matter how much i want to be free, im even more stuck than before..
and i dont really know what to do from here.
Already, i owe my parents 7000 -- which is $$ ryan needs for college...
going back to rehab would be the option i would take, if not for the money issue...
i would quit my job at this point to get things right.
I believe I was made for more than serving this... im just so stuck again.