30.
30 days... clean.sober.free.
when is the last time i saw that number?
was there ever such a time? (a resounding) No.
Back to the grind. Back to the real. Back to holding my breath... ?
A few days prior to the here and now, i knew that when i was leaving... it wouldn't be the end.
I knew that i hadn't yet reached a point of recovery. I was definitely at a 50-50 stance. At that point it could have very easily gone one way or the other... Lord knows the internal chaos of conflict in my soul...
Then came today. A very long, never ending day... with more thought process than i ever thought possible in such a drawn out few hours... to which i end up at a solid 80-20.
A little insight to my ridiculousness:
I think... hmm.. i really want Life.
*opposed to....*
Well... being high... thats like... well - thats just... not life.
*well, we have a deep thinker on our hands now, dont we...*
They say that if we dont want to, we never have to drink or use again. ..and even if we do want to, we still dont have to drink or use again. ever.
*what the hell kind of life is that*
I never have to black out ever again... I could actually work on a real future. Relationships and Family, and .. a career.. if God opened the door to work at VH once i had some time under me, id drop everything for that opportunity...
*Realistically...what are the odds of obtaining these things.... this imaginary future... Look here, addict. Never is an absolute. Ever is a pretty long span of time. *
i think this is the part where i just picture getting the smack down from Randa....
"oh, hey - is that your ADDICTION talking to you? wow, nice of you to drop by... wtf??"
Its got a little mind of its own taking up residence in MY head. Brazen s.o.b.
Its amazing how i can crave freedom so intensely and yet hold on so tightly to the shackles. ...And Gods just like -- "Baby girl. What are you thinking? I freed you from all that. You look certifiable walking around in open shackles... Let it go."
Its probably high time i drop to my knees and discover what surrender really is. Im just not all together sure how you make yourself get to that point.
...God, if you want -- you could consider this my sending off of a s.o.s. in a bottle to you...
its really all i have right now.
So today is 30.
did i mention that i labeled this particular blip 'ramblings of a beggar'... seemed appropriate.
Chelle!!! We miss you! I'm sorry we didn't make it to the cup hanging. We really wanted to ;(
ReplyDeleteI LOVE the post. You're a blogger!!! And a very well written one. I think it's poetic. Love you, girl. Hang in there.
Ok, I have to say I read this post 3 times and it moves me. You are a deep soul. You've got a lot going for you. God WILL open doors for you. But it's up to YOU to step through them and to be sober so you can step through the RIGHT ones. You're in good hands. And you're where you're suppose to be. Just go with it. You ARE NOT BROKEN. You just have a really big cross to bare but it's yours for a reason and clarity will come. So take up your cross and walk with it (or run if you'd like) I'm really proud of you! I'm also glad I'll be able to keep up on your blog. Talk to you later.
ReplyDeletexoxoxox