and so it is..

Sometimes I sit here and zone out... and wonder -- how in the world did i end up here? The past 2 months have been a complete whirlwind that i am only now starting to piece together.
Since i got back from rehab in February, i struggled to keep my head above water. Occasionally i used or drank.. and occasionally became a bit more...
Sometime in the end of April i started using again and just...never stopped. They told me in rehab that we as addicts have a choice until we make the wrong one --- and then ... we no longer have a choice. I didnt get this before. I thought -- i always have a choice -- i just make really crap decisions.
About (what i think was) 3 1/2 weeks or so into using everyday, and then all day everyday, i couldnt stop. I tried to cut back... and i shook... i tried to slow down and pace myself to ween off -- and i got sick and unable to function.
..2 days before i ended up back in rehab i quit my job. No notice - no warnings whatsoever - i just lost it. I didnt realize then that i was overdosing while i was at work... that night i woke up seizing.. the following day i packed, with serious assistance from my grandmother because I was so beyond a non-functioning level. Went to a meeting that night - that i dont remember... but I am told they were trying to figure out if i needed to go to the ER... 104 temp - not steady at all... i dont know - like i said -- i was blacked out...?
That night i stayed at my grandparents and woke up seizing again...
in the morning i remember my grandmother asking me if i had more that i could take so i could get on the plane. I guess when your grandmother is pleading with you -- to take more drugs -- so you can function -- you got a pretty major issue at hand.
..the hows and such of how i even got to kansas are for a different time -- all i know is that God held my hand the whole way. ..Because there is No Way i could have done it on my own. None.
Yet ... i sit here now -- in a new town, a new place, new aquaintences, new room mates... new...everything.. and im constantly holding my breath waiting for god to drop me. ...If he hasnt dropped me up to this point, why in the world would i think he would now?
I talked to Randa on the phone my first day in the house and i just remember her being like -- "He's got you."
and since then... everytime i really start to panic - thinkin im all alone out here.. wondering what the heck im supposed to do next... thats all i hear... "He's got you..."
..."Babygirl, IVE GOT YOU"
And so it is... and so ill let him.