...because i have none - esp for myself.
Peace has not been with me this week.
..That isn't really true.
Where He is, there is peace.. and He is with me. I have just been so irritable and discontent these past few weeks. Self absorbed would be a gentle way to put it. Not outwardly, but i just haven't been able to get past the turmoil that took up residence in the depths. This happens from time to time when i can't seem to get real perspective... nothing seems right. Even in the best of days, i just can't seem to connect.
I haven't been able to get past the obsession of destruction in my mind. I've never known such a hate as the one i tend to have for myself. It isnt constant anymore - thank God - but just like the addiction (maybe one in the same)... it lurks. It seems to sit just below the surface and when my defenses are down in any which way, it takes full advantage of tearing down any sense of worth and dignity i have. I am not the woman i want to be. I need to be more than i am... who i am not, anything and everything i do is simply not enough to bring about the freedom i crave.
Driving home from work tonight i just kept thinking... there's got to be something about me that i don't perceive as absolutely vile. ...and... Nothing.
..if i sit and focus on it, then ill get more and more wrapped up in myself and the darkness that will inevitably envelop me...
The reality of the situation sunk in relatively quick that i have no time in my life of recovery and freedom to let these thoughts and obsessions linger. Seems as though God did exactly what he does and heard me before i could even breathe a word to Him. Spoken through musical truths:
I wish I was more of a man
Have you ever felt that way
And if I had to tell you the Truth
I’m afraid I’d have to say
That after all I’ve done and failed to do
I feel like less than I was meant to be
What if I could fix myself
Maybe then I could get free
I could try to be somebody else
Who’s much better off than me
But I need to remember this
That it’s when I’m at my weakest
I can clearly see
He made the lame walk and the dumb talk
He opened blinded eyes to see
That the sun rises on His time
Yet He knows our deepest desperate need
And the world waits while His heart aches
To realize the dream
I wonder what life would be like if we let Jesus life thru you and me
What if you could see yourself thru another pair of eyes
What if you could hear the truth
Instead of old familiar lies
What if you could feel inside
The power of the hand that made the universe You’d realize
All our hearts they burn within us
All our lives we’ve longed for more
So let us lay our lives before the one who gave His life for us
Simply put... Ive been so frustrated because im not who i think i should be.
i - i - i - i - i
...whats wrong with this sentence?
His.Will.
His.Freedom.
His.Love.
His.Plans.
His.Perception.of.me.
He.is.Enough.
amazing.
ReplyDelete