Wednesday night got rough real fast. I was extremely productive - probably not enough - but enough to feel accomplished and typically, an accomplished day is a day worth living in my book. Now...those days that i dont do squat... i get so irritated - why even get out of bed for a day like that?!
The thing is... i think i slowed down around 4 or so and just..relaxed. wait.. "relaxed" there. thats better. Why? Cause i havent the fondest clue of how to relax.
I became so incredibly restless... and i realize now - i have been nursing some serious anger issues for the past few days. Over what, i couldnt even tell you. I think everything happens so quickly - and im so accustomed to living in some sort of chaos that when life calms down, i simply dont know where i fit anymore.
Janet asked me last week where the fear was - if i was so angry all the time, theres some underlying fear im not addressing. ...and i was like - Woman. Look. Im Just Pissed.
But thinking about it now - i really do wonder what the fear of such destructive anger is. As a really bad analogy - its like a porcupine or a pufferfish... When they are startled or feeling threatened, the porcupine shoots needles.. and the puffer fish blows up as to fend off potential predators...
Anger is a reaction... one i need to keep in check.
Wednesday night i started spinning out and i just made up my mind that i would do whatever i had to make things calm down. Anything destructive i could find, that was my mission.
About a minute later i was in my car headed to a meeting. When things get that crazy and unmanagable - there is always a solution to find. If i cant find it or get to it on my own, i know there are plenty of people and support in my program that can help me get to it.
At the meeting....we went through the 11th step. I hadn't gotten there yet or even looked at it before then. "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out." We went around the room reading the chapter... and i just felt such heavy weight. Its been quite a while since ive actually felt the weight of Matthew 11:28 over me. As we read on... it got heavier and i knew i would absolutely lose it if i couldnt get myself together. ...i was distracted by this thought ive never had before... (because God is...well... God.) ...I just...wanted Him to be human. Just for a moment. Just to hug Him.. and let Him hold me... Just to have that closeness.
God has taken the brunt of my frustration and anger through out the years. Mostly i show him this by avoidance or sheer rebellion.
The dichotomy is complex - altogether running from Him and craving closeness.
What happened this week to make me turn so drastically running from Him? I still dont really know - but what i do know, is that the moment i threw my god-conscious out... is the moment i lost my sanity again and life began to become more unmanagable.
Needless to say -- Over and over again i have been Dismantled. and over and over... He promises Repair.
"Come to me and i will give you rest."
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