grace?

"Grace means that no mistake we make in life disqualifies us from God's Love. 'It means that no person is beyond redemption. no human stain beyond cleansing...
Grace is irrational, unfair, unjust, and only makes sense if i believe in another world governed by a merciful God who always offers another chance - that saved." .Yancey.

In the great big grand scheme of life, I can somehow grasp the intrinsic idea of this "grace-thing". With all of the knowledge i can muster, i can mentally grasp :::
not getting what i deserve... and getting something i absolutely don't deserve.
isnt that what the basic idea of what grace is?

But intellectually manipulating a concept such as grace
is quite different than
Accepting, Believing, Grasping such a 'concept' as Truth.

Day in. Day out.
What is the reality of this grace?

If i spend the majority of my life thinking - believing - that God holds the precious gems of life so tightly and will only be willing to extend to me when i do something for him... When i do or say or act according to what he wants... did i miss the whole point?
...he holds hostage the desires of my heart - dangling them in front of me.. promising - that if i just do exactly as he says - perfectly. Without hesitation.. then Maybe. Just Maybe, he'll follow through on his end of the deal.
But if i falter... if i dont trust him completely.. if i waste time.. if i dont understand or completely agree with the direction that i believe is coming from him.. if i fail.. then retribution comes.
Punishment not in the form of him causing harm, per se - but in the embodiment of him depriving the things and experiences in life i strive toward.

So i struggle to make him happy..
to be whoever he wants me to be..
to earn his acceptance and love..

not because I enjoy him.
or because i want to make him smile simply because i love him.
but.
because i fear him.
because i fear that he'll take his hands off of my life
and i'll be here - on my own.

i can't do life without him.

what about any of this is graceful?